| Wednesday, July 30th, 2008 |
| 10:34 am |
so i've been in here for over four weeks and i am getting out soon and i am actually a little afraid. life has been on pause for me for four weeks and now its going to all of a sudden pick up. my whole july is gone. really i've been here all july. this is so crazy sooo crazy. i feel like i am gonna be fucked up mentally and physically for a long time. i missed a lot of firsts and i need to experience life but i am so afraid and i hope this fear doesnt cripple me from being outgoing meeting new people and living life. i have been alone and isolated for so long and taken care of that i dont kno if i cant take care of myself anymore. |
| Tuesday, July 8th, 2008 |
| 11:08 pm |
major surgery hopefully friday then this hell year will be over! Of course my mom cried when the surgeon came in and went over all and i mean all possible complications. I just got irritable. I signed the consent paper though and I am actually really excited and extremely nervous. But this is the CURE! Third times always the charm (aka my third hospitalziation and i'll actually be leaving with a permanant fix unless for some weird random complication or if they misdiagnosed me with u.c. instead of chrones but I highly doubt that) WISH ME LUCK |
| Friday, June 13th, 2008 |
| 1:09 pm |
i'm mad all the time now. every little thing is making me mad. pmsing maybe but idk. I just get so angry at such little things. |
| Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 |
| 9:30 am |
Tara Dhingra is scared. Terrified actually to the point where she has to take pills to make herself calm down and sleep. How did I loose all my sense of self and all that self-confidence I gained? I've become the scared little freshman again but this time I am completely alone (at school I mean) and I'm sick of being alone. I am also sick of spell check always trying to correct my last name. That is how it is spelled motherfucker. I am also sick of complaining. so on the bright side I am kinda excited about school. I always liked learning (I know weird right?) O god I hate livejournal. |
| Wednesday, February 20th, 2008 |
| 2:58 pm |
Its all depressing mush that won't make your day any better
There are not enough hours in the day. My mom convinced me to quit my job at Nocera's I started yesterday. The sad thing though is that she is doing it for me. I called them earlier today and said I could go in, but now I don't know I'm just an emotional wreck. I don't think I can deal with two jobs yet with my mood swings and the last drop in steroids did a number on my metabolism. I'm like always tired. I started getting some symptoms back again which scares me because this is how it happened last time. I want to got to Paris too but I can't go if I feel sick or show symptoms. Today was supposed to be a good day (my dad's 64th Birthday) but only bad things happened. My brother and his wife had a miscarriage. 4 months along and they lost the baby. It was a boy and they say it and apparently it was dark like my brother a mini Rosh. It hurts to see them hurt. They wanted a baby. They were so ready to be parents. They wanted a boy too. At least my brother did. And Marisa's mother is in Cali and her sister is in Virginia. We went and saw them and it was hard. They are doing an otopsy on the baby. I hope it was something like a freak accident and that its not something that will effect all of their pregnancies. I also hope they don't lose hope in each other or in being parents and want to try again. How do you comfort a brother that has lost a child? I mean it looked like a baby. The nurses dressed it up like a baby. They are not naming it though. So an it it will remain. Which is good I guess. Life keeps hitting us (meaning my family) with emotional blow after emotional blow. First me sick. And i'll always be sick. Its a chronic illness. It doesn't go away. It can go into remmision if you find the right medicnine cocktail, but its pretty unpredictable and people that do well on medicine for years can all of a sudden have a "flare up" of symptoms. The only way to cure it is to remove your colon. And if it ends up being Chrones instead of U.C. which Chrone's can sometimes be misdiagnosed as then there is no cure. Then the taking the semester off and watching everyone grow up and become independent and fall in love and me feeling like i'm regressing becoming more dependent on my family and not being able to be there for my friends because I can barely deal with myself. Then next blow Rory getting sick. She's gotten a lot better but I'm pretty sure she's gonna die soon. SHe's pretty old so it won't be unexpected, but we'll miss her. My brother losing his baby tops my list right now. I am just waiting on the dog to actually die and for Northeastern to finally say screw you, you're too much to deal with don't come back and for me to get sick in time for Paris and not be able to go and then life will be totally miserable with no hope of getting better. Well not exactly no hope. I am looking forward to school but the timing sucks since everyone will be home for summer and I will not. I don't know anyone going either. O well new adventure. I don't know where all my motivation went.I don't know where i went. I'm sorry to all my friends who I've depended on. I know i'm an unpredicatble basket case now and that everyone has shit to deal with especially at this great transtion period of our lives and I hope that you feel you can come to me with your problems and if you need a shoulder to cry on I have 2. maybe if you feel like you can't coem to me now maybe when i'm a stronger person u will be able to come to me later. I love you all for all you've done even if you think my backing off u're doing the right thing and i'm sorry for those I can't or havent been there for. I miss all of you that are at school and can't wait for march when you all have your spring breaks and we can hang out. Honeslty I want all this to be over but reality is it will never be over. I will be sick for the rest of my life. Good thing is that if I respond to treatment other than steroids I will be able to go back to normal meaning no moon face or mood swings. Please tell me you haven't read this far. Its all depressing mush that won't make your day any better. Life is too much sometimes, but I guess thats the point. Maybe some people get all bad things at once and then BAM good thing after good thing after good thing. P.S. This is probably a mood swing induced by the steroids. (I LOVE BLAMING DRUGS FOR ALL MY FUCKEDUPNESS) Current Mood: overwhelmed |
| Wednesday, January 30th, 2008 |
| 6:01 pm |
i hate mood swings i hate being sick i hate it here i want to go back to school i want social interaction i havent seen any friends in forever all i do is eat and watch tv and no one is helping me life is overwhelming with nothing to do i wish someone would call me everyone is so busy i want to be busy and yet i cant motivate myself to do anything i want to cry and eat and work or something i dont kno i'll be so happy and fine one moment and then another moment i want it to be over i hate my dad i dont kno how i am gonna live with him for the next 4 months and share a car i dont want to be sick for the rest of my life i dont want to be on steroids anymore i want my identity back i dont want to be afraid of social interaction anymore i dont want to be alone anymore i have so much baggage i cant be a good friend i dotn want people to ask when are u gonna be better cuz i am never gonna be better i am going to be sick for the rest of my life maybe not this sick maybe almost normal but this is a chronic illness it dosnt go away and it had to happen now why did it have to happen now? |
| Thursday, December 27th, 2007 |
| 6:35 pm |
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| Sunday, October 14th, 2007 |
| 12:02 am |
so college? i feel like i'm missing out i am still sick and like more antisocial than normal because of it i try to think and stay positive but i am just spent and i realize i complain a lot and that just brings me down and lately i just want to be pretty like put makeup on and dress nice and its distracting me from my huge pile of make up work i feel like all my motivation to be a goood student left me since high school i want to have fun in college but so far i havent even been there for a weekend and even though i have dropped a class i was still busy as fuck all week and i cant stress cuz that will make me sicker and all i want is chocolate but it gives me the worst stomach ache ever and everything i eat just makes me feel unhealthy in some way since i got out of the hospital i've grown oddly attached to my mother making homesickness a problem i feel liek i regressed back to childhood and i literally threw like a hissy fit today out of exhaustion and even though my body is so tried to the point where going up the stairs is a challenge i still cant sleep. i have about a billion pills i have to take and i just want it to be second sememster i want the new year and i want to see my friends but i also want to be happpy and bubbly around them and not depressed i cry a lot more now its weird why did this have to happen first year in college? i need to stop thinking about it and just move on but the nights are always worse than the days this isnt even coherent i missed the rev game and i really wanted to go and tailgate and be having fun but its probably better i didnt go cuz i would have been miserable/exhausted i feel like i'm drifting from all my friends and at school i have friends but you kno its not the same cuz they are all new friends and i am always a little more quiet around new people and i dont see them 7 days a week only 5 and i am gonna miss more social time cuz i have another doctors appt i really cant wait for second sememster i need to learn to spell i already have a new years resolution: stop complaining and start living |
| Monday, May 14th, 2007 |
| 6:46 pm |
i hope these arnt the best years of our lives |
| Sunday, April 15th, 2007 |
| 6:40 pm |
Mumbai, India
So, it's 6:41pm for me but like 8:41am for you! Weird, right? I am just perking up since i was basically a zombie all day. Havent had much luck in the prom dress depeartment, but we've done a lot of shopping in the past 2 days. Mumbai is huge and we've been driving around in crazy three wheeled rickshaws. The hotel we are staying at is nice but unfortunalty we are cramped in to a kinda tiny room with a cot for me and one for my sister. I wish i could update with pictures but I dont have a connecty thingy. So far we've mostly just visited family and i'm at my uncle's house right now. Well not my uncle my dads cousin. Everything here is americanized. There are a lot of people and stray dogs adn the drivers are out for blood. They dont follow lane lines and dont yield to pedestrians. But all the cars are so tiny I LOVE IT. The toiletts are also american so i dont have to squat to shit. Thats an added bonus. Hope your vacation is going good. I miss you all! <3ssssss Tara |
| Friday, March 23rd, 2007 |
| 1:52 pm |
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| Wednesday, March 7th, 2007 |
| 6:21 pm |
is it senioritis or just a complete lack of direction? |
| Sunday, February 25th, 2007 |
| 10:26 am |
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| Sunday, January 28th, 2007 |
| 3:32 pm |
i ate 3 tacos for lunch yesterday people seem to find that amusing. |
| Wednesday, December 6th, 2006 |
| 6:11 pm |
i like people but not really ok sometimes just a little bit i hate school though and people in school i feel like i accomplish more watching tv than sitting in school for 5 days anyone wanna write me a letter of resignation? i'll give you a dollar |
| Sunday, October 15th, 2006 |
| 12:55 pm |
i'm covered in glue wanna come stick to me? |
| Sunday, September 24th, 2006 |
| 11:16 am |
i'm thinking of getting lypo on my ass so i have cleft buttcheeks Current Mood:  thoughtful |
| Sunday, September 3rd, 2006 |
| 11:19 am |
I changed american vietnam to business seminar does anyone else have this? |
| Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006 |
| 7:25 pm |
Schedule
A - English Limbey B - HTML Craig C - Band D - Calc Donovan E - American War in Vietnam? Flynn? Should I switch out? F - Physics Carey G - World Politics McCormick |
| Monday, July 31st, 2006 |
| 10:12 am |
so kate told me about this car selling for $500. So i told my mom. So she said i couldnt buy a car for $500 (which is all I have) because it won't be dependable. So i can't buy a car. (grrr...) BUT my mom and dad we're checking out my aunts car (which is butt ass ugly)cuz they want to buy the same car for them, so I might end up getting the van eventually. VAN pro - it can drive con - its a red minivan (as my mom calls it the "losa cruisa" hmmmm.... |
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